Musings Of A Socially-Awkward Introvert!

The evenings usually bring in a sense of melancholy. It doesn't really help matters that I do not have a social life.

I am also socially awkward, although I wasn't so before. Two years of isolation and lockdown reduced every tiny bit of contact with people. Add to it, the time spent in the virtual world, and what I ended becoming is someone whose virtual avatar has friends but who has none in real life. 

It's not that I did not have any friends before. In my childhood, I made some really wonderful friends. But I was weird (even) then. Had no idea of dressing sense, often spoke before thinking, was never street-smart or worldly-wise and I more often lived in a dreamland of my own where everything was possible. Now that I look back now, I am amazed as well as humbled that some friends were good-hearted enough to stick by me! 

But like in most cases, life happened. Friends parted ways, most of them got busy with their responsibilities and gradually, the childhood friendship became more of memories than moments. I did try to pursue the friends, but for some reasons, we all could never connect again like before.

And that is when I changed gears. Instead of pursuing people, I started pursuing solitude, which in turn led me to myself. I found my best friends in books, in thoughts and dreams of people who lived much before my time and who shared their wisdom through their masterpieces. The more I read, the more I reflected deeper within me, and finally, I made peace with being alone. What started as melancholic loneliness ended up into a beautiful solitude!

Ironically, I now find it easier to connect with strangers. In fact, all my 'social' life now revolves only around the social media where I get to meet people, have conversations with them and feel connected to the world. Through Facebook, I get to live my life vicariously as an extrovert, while I am slowly turning into an introvert in real life, having very less conversation with people and spending most of my time in reflection and inspection. I still have a lot of social anxiety, in the sense that I often ponder over the recent comment that I posted in someone's write-up, and I keep worrying that I might have said something wrong. But I am at peace, because I have accepted myself. The pursuit of friendship led me nowhere, but when I pursued solitude, it led me to myself. 

I see my son slowly turning into an introvert, spending more time with just the family and spending lesser time with his friends. It saddens me, seeing him choose YouTube videos over his friends playing cricket in the compound. With the intention of getting him away from gadgets for some time atleast, I push him to play with his friends. My mind often reprimands me - what is wrong if he wants to be an introvert? If he is happy that way, then why do you keep forcing him to go out and mix with people? 

The truth is, I have not always been an introvert. I have known the pleasure and comfort of having friends to play and to talk with. I have known the awesome feeling of playing beneath the sky on a summer morning, or enjoying the first rains of the season with friends. Most of all, I did not become an introvert by choice. The transition from someone wanting friends to someone finally making peace with solitude was not easy. I wish for my kid to experience the gift of friendship and companionship, which is why I keep pushing him to spend time outdoors with his friends. I want him to try being a socially-active person having a lot of friends. If and it will be a really sad 'if', he doesn't feel comfortable with this lifestyle, then he will automatically choose being a recluse. While that is not an option I willingly accept for him, I just hope that whatever lifestyle he chooses for himself, he accepts it wholeheartedly and finds joy and contentment in the same.

With regards to people and friends, I am exactly not where I wanted to be, but I am glad and grateful for where I am today. There are no friends in real life, but virtual life has no dearth of wonderful people who brighten up my day with conversations and laughter. There is the comfort of solitude in real life; there is also the pleasure of enjoying a group thread on some really insightful topics. I have a peaceful existence as an introvert in real life, and I also enjoy the chaos of being an extrovert in the social media!

It all comes down to us, how gladly and peacefully we accept what we are. As long as we accept ourselves, there will never be a lack of companionship in life. When solitude becomes your friend, you are never lonely!